He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
