I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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