I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
