so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
