The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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