Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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