I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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