Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize