I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
