remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
