Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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