I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
