happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
