He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
