I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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