happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
