When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
