My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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