TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
