just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
