Kiss
Puke
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
