he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize