I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
