There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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