at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
