she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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