Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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