You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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