Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
