It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
