sarcasm needs its own font
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
