Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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