how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
