I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
