Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So vagazzling was a success
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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