You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
