But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
