A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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