Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
