During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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