She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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