I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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