I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
