He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Drunk is not a location!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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