one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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