mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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