Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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