fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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