How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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