it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
