There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
