I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
