Got a toothbrush?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Say something about gay babies.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
