Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
