Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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