glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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