we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
