i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize