I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
