My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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