I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
