i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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