I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Michael Bay diarrhea
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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