i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
