I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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