Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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