i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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