those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
