If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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